Friday, April 25, 2008

Loosened the Jar..

We've all been there. You might be seeking jelly for your toast, or searching for a pickle to garnish a sandwich. Millions of things come in jars, and millions of us are pissed off every day by the inability to open them ourselves. You bang on it, you twist it, you turn it upside down and smack it with your palm..and still nothing.

This is where someone else walks in and says "Here, lemme try." And wouldn't you know, that jar just pops right open. You feel you must defend your weak biceps and now reddened face so you say "I must have loosened it."
To bring this all in context, I was talking with a boy last night, and I told him I had recently learned that an ex had gotten married. Now, I have not talked to the ex in ages, and I don't actually want to. But I had to express my shock at the balls it takes for him to actually move on and get married. Didn't he read the booklet that says upon dumping me on my butt, he is obligated to realize his mistake and pine for me forever? Shouldn't he be surviving on a diet of Melba toast and diet coke, barely holding a job, all hollow eyed and murmuring about my beauty?!?!
The boy on the phone didn't get it.

"Why is that a big deal?" He asked.

"Why?!" I sputtered. " What do you mean?"

"Well, do you guys even talk anymore?"

Poor boy, he had no idea what the conversation was actually about. I tried to use the jar loosening metaphor to explain. It did not help. Being a boy, he felt it his duty to disagree with the jar loosening = man loosening logic.

(In case you aren't familiar: I don't even know what movie or show coined this..perhaps Sex in the City. But the theory goes that you can date a man forever, put up with his crap, and one day you break up. He immediately marries the next girl. You loosened him, and she popped the top. Just like a jar of pickles. )

Thinking about it, marriage wasn't the goal for the ex. In fact, that would have been a real bad idea. But I couldn't find any good way to explain to the boy that okay, maybe it's not a BIG deal, but it is a medium deal. At least. It's bad for the vanity to have to face the reality that you are not Scarlett O'Hara, leaving a trail of broken hearted gentlemen in your wake.

So while I never did convince the boy of the importance of the issue, I did convince myself that I'm way grown up by not rushing into the arms of the two men who never fail me: Ben and Jerry. This man was sooo not even worth the pints of ice cream I already consumed for him. I'll be damned if I spoon even one more fudge swirl in his honor.

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